Before you continue reading this blog post, I just want to let you know that this post is very lengthy and emotional. If you're not prepared for the long read please leave now. I don't want any feedback complaining about how long this post is. I simply will not be listening to it. Moving swiftly on.
I was set an assignment for one of my classes to speak about how I feel about a specific artist or song. So, I've taken this opportunity to share this assignment with you. I've edited it so it's not as accademic as my original document. Hopefully, you all can relate!
I remember like it was yesterday. That moment where my
heart finally gave in and came to the decision that Keyshia Cole will be taking the place as my
favourite female artist. This is going to get real emotional as I’m about to
channel the past and dig into some feelings that I haven’t channelled in a long
time. If I make you cry, I do not apologise. If I make you laugh, I do not
apologise. Many people always wanted to know why/how I fell in Love with
Keyshia Cole and this is the reason why.
At the age of 16 I left school, was on the verge to start
college to study A Levels. 16 was that age for me. Everything happened for me at 16. I had my
first relationship and my first serious “love interest" happened. I would
consider myself a late bloomer. My friends and a lot of people that were around
me at the time lost their virginity when they were between the ages of 14/15 I was still a virgin
at 16 and I am VERY proud to admit that! As a teenager I must say that love/sex
wasn’t really on the agenda. However, I must throw it out there that
when I was between the ages of 13-16 I was a dedicated Christian. Love & sex wasn’t on my mind, Jesus was. I’m being real; ask any of
the friends I went school with. I casually had a little preaching session in
Mr. Clarke's English class in Year 9.
Anyway, getting back on track; at the age of 16 I would
say I came in contact with my first “love interest” (there is a reason why I
put love interest in speech marks, I will see if I can get back to that later
on...) and I had deep feelings for this person, seeing as they were the first
person I was interested in and the first person that I wanted to get into a relationship with. I was
young, I was pretty much naive, I mean, this “love interest” thing was ALL new
to me. I didn’t know how to act, I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know what
time to call them, everything was ALL NEW! It was like I was entering into a new
world. Anyway, me and my love interest ended our "friendship" very bitterly. They're 1 year older than me and they were more experienced than I was. I remember one day I came home from
school, I was very annoyed. I can't remember what for but I remember ringing their phone at probably 15x in a row until
they picked up because I wanted to speak to them so badly. Neither less to say
when they did pick up the phone I was presented with
“Why are you ringing my
phone 15 times in a row?”
I was highly embarrassed and they told me to fall back
because I was acting very clingy. I was hurt by this, I was young, and they were my
first love interest I didn’t know how to act. Being the person that I am, I
took it as a pinch of salt and moved on, however I was angry as fuck. I could understand if everytime I rang them I would constantly leave millions of missed calls until they picked up, but this was the first and only occassion, but whatever.
So... I, a 16 year old Virgin, who is highly gassed about
having someone interested in them, surely, you all know what that feels like? I
can guarantee that we all still get excited at whatever age we are when we find
out that someone is interested in us. So, I started speaking to a new friend
who also knew my first love interest. However, I didn’t know that they knew
each other (please remember this). So, this new friend of mine asked me about
my love life, and I told them. Now, my first love interest was VERY secretive.
My goodness, looking back now, I now realise how secretive they were. It took them awhile to open up to me,
so I knew that me speaking about them to other people would be an issue but I
trusted this new friend that I had came in contact with and didn’t think
nothing of it. So, I’m sharing my feelings that I have for this person to this
new friend, and within the space of 2 days the person I had trusted went back
to my love interest and told them some of the things that I had said.
I don’t know
what was said but all I remember is my love interest being mad at me for
telling them what was going on between us and they instructed me to never speak
to them again (I hope this makes sense). I was very hurt, I liked this person a
lot and just the smallest thing of me sharing how I felt about the situation
caused us to not speak. I was pretty hurt but not as hurt as you’ll find out
later on within this post.
Keyshia Cole! From a young age I knew about Keyshia Cole,
before I became a dedicated Christian I was aware of her presence on the music
scene. I was following her career when AOL music was very popular and I
remember sitting in my room watching her debut video for “(I Just Want It)To Be
Over”. I took a liking to her since then. However, If you really want someone
to blame for my liking to Keyshia Cole, you must blame my old friend Antonio.
He sent me “Heaven Sent” on MSN Messenger and I remember it being my song for the summer
back in 2007. But the story gets a little deeper than that.
Going back to being 16, I got into my first relationship.
Once again, I was gassed. The relationship was cute, we were both 16, it was just cute. However, the relationship went through a HUGE change when I went to
London with church one day and I came back to Birmingham and found out that my
partner made friends with bad company. Will someone like to explain to me how in the space of 8 hours you can make friends with someone and change your whole persona? Regardless, It was weird because during the day whilst I was in London with church they was ringing me all day asking me when am I coming home. Then when I came home later that night I found out they were patrolling the
streets of Birmingham at 1am with their new found friend, who’s reputation is
not very righteous at all. I did not approve of this friendship. The new friend was a whore, and I did not want my partner associating themselves with that sort
of person. However, my partner was not hearing it!
There was an occasion where me and my ex were chilling together. I won’t go into detail of what we were doing, but my
belly took a funny turn and I was sick. I ran to the toilet and I started
vomiting. This was very strange for me because I NEVER vomit and for my belly
to take a funny turn like that in the middle of what we were doing was VERY
strange. Regardless, I was ill, called my mother, got in a taxi and went home
and strangely enough that was the last time I had seen my partner. After that day I
realised my partner was spending more time in London with their new found
friends than they were with me. Back then Vodafone Family was pretty much
dominant amongst us young people and my partner was on my Vodafone Family. For
those who don’t know what Vodafone Family is, it’s a little plan that Vodafone
(a mobile phone network) put together where you put 3 numbers into a group
where you get free calls to those 3 numbers at anytime of the day. However,
they also will need to be on Vodafone as well. Furthermore, because my partner weren't calling me as much and was spending TOO much time in London I removed
them from my Vodafone Family without any warning. Why the fuck am I paying £5 and you aren’t calling me? Restrict you from the free calling access, yes!
To
cut long story short, either on my enrolment to college or on my first day of
college, I received a phone call from one of my friends telling me that they’re
hearing that my partner is in a relationship with someone down in London. During
this time, my partner had came around and we were speaking however, they still
were going to London often. They still were telling me they loved me too which
really pissed me off. So, I found out this information during the week, me and
my partner were still speaking throughout that week and I was acting like I didn’t know SHIT! I
wanted to see if they were going to confess to me that they’ve been cheating.
You’ve probably guessed that they didn’t tell me they were cheating, so one
Saturday morning I
turned on my Sony Ericsson Walkman phone, and sent a LONG
TEXT MESSAGE! It was very confrontational and I let everything rip. I saw them
later on that week. As stated in my previous blog entry, Birmingham is
small and I bumped into them in the City Centre, at night, with their new found friends that were a bad influence. I was still very upset
about the situation and it was the first time me seeing them after finding out
they had cheated on me. I broke down. I was in tears. Oh my goodness I was a
hot mess. I started hiding and shit and couldn't wait for my bus to arrive to take me home, and to make it worse I had to wait longer than expected for my bus because my ex's new friends caught the same bus as me and I didn't want to be on the same bus as them!! I came home crying rivers. I was totally broken. I couldn’t believe
they cheated on me, and if I could SHOW you WHO they cheated on me WITH! Oh my
goodness, I didn’t know I was THAT bad. I was SO upset and broken. I was 16/17
at that time I was young but broken.
After all the hurt, I didn’t know how to express myself,
I couldn’t put into words how hurt I was so I turned to music. I came across
Keyshia Cole’s “I Should’ve Cheated” (You all saw that coming). And I also came
across her record “You’ve Changed”, because my partner did change. However,
there were times where I would sit on a bus and just zone out. I was so hurt, I
was distant from a lot of things. I was distant from my friends, distant from
my mum, distant from church. I was just distant. I was hurt. This is where
Keyshia’s
“Just Like You” album came into effect. Tracks like “Was It Worth it?”,
“Fallin’ Out” and my all time personal favourite “Got To Get My Heart Back”
were therapy for my soul. One day, I sat on the 11A bus from church one Sunday and just sat there. Didn't move. “Got To Get My Heart Back” came on and I was close to tears, because I
really needed to get my heart back to the place it was before I fell in love
with my ex. Me and my ex used to fall asleep on the phone together (told you all that it was a cute relationship and they would wake me
up in the morning with a phone call, so when we ended it, it took a while to adjust
to the fact that I’m not going to have someone to sleep on the phone with at
night, and nobody is going to ring me in the morning to say good morning. I
felt like my heart was elsewhere, especially from the unfinished business I had
with my first love interest. I just felt like my heart wasn’t where it used to
be. However, these two lovers weren't the only people that hurt me. From the age of 16 onwards I just kept on getting hurt by everyone that came into my life. It was a very soul searching time for me and I found it very hard. However,
I’d like to say that I stayed strong throughout it all and didn’t do anything
stupid. But it was a very DARK time for me. A dark,
dark, dark time.
College, Cadbury College. A lot of people loved me during
my first year of college. However, the first year of college for me was the
worst year of my life. My first love interest was there. We still weren’t
speaking and I felt very awkward. However, during my first week or month in
College we got back in contact and I was very happy about that
because I had strong feelings for this person and didn’t want them to leave my
life. We got back in contact and we would text during college and speak/text
after college. No, I didn’t ring their phone 15x a day this time around, I learnt my lesson!
Then one day... It stopped! They stopped speaking to me in College, didn’t
reply to any of my text’s and didn’t returned my phone calls, everything just
STOPPED! They acted like I didn't exist when they saw me. They just cut me out of their life without any warning, AGAIN. I don’t know
what I did. HELL, EVEN AT THIS VERY PRESENT MOMENT I STILL DON’T KNOW WHY THEY
STOPPED SPEAKING TO ME!
I was hurt once again, I just didn’t understand. I
didn’t know what I did or what I said but I was heartbroken again. That’s when I fell in love with “I Remember”, because I genuinely believe that my first
love interest broke my heart. My ex hurt me but they didn’t break me the way my
first love interest did. There was times where I would be in my bathroom in the
dark sitting on the toilet, crying singing “I Remember”. I didn’t
have anyone to speak to about the situation I just had me and my MP3 player and
Keyshia Cole’s “I Remember”. I was also fed up of people walking into my life and then leaving whenever they pleased. I was so, so, hurt. I cannot emphasis on the hurt
I was feeling. However, what I can tell you is that it affected my studies.
I was studying Sociology, Media Studies, Theatre Studies
and retaking my Maths GCSE in college then. I failed Sociology terribly, shall
I tell you why? There was one moment my love interest looked me in the face
before one of my sociology classes and walked straight past me. I went in my
Sociology class, sat down with the lesson progressing on and I started crying, randomly. Out of the motherfucking blue. The teacher gave me permission to leave the class and I ran out of college and
started walking with tears streaming down my face. I didn't even know where I was going, I was just walking. I was UPSET! I don't know
what I did, what I said or anything. I just couldn’t believe what they were
doing to me. I couldn't focus on my studies and Sociology needed my full attention, and I couldn't give it because I needed to get my heart back to where it was before I fell in love
with my first love interest. I genuinely was not focused on my studies, my mind was everywhere. I was in a dark place once again. Because of them,
it took me a while to pick up the phone and call people. Calling people is one of my insecurities, it may sound stupid but I start to think that I'm irritating people when I ring them. If you know me, you'll probably realise that I don't ring you, you'll probably will have to ring me. I never leave more
than two missed calls on anyone’s phone. The way they cursed me out after I
left 15 missed calls on their phone, I never wanted to call anyone again. It
took me a while to text anyone I was interested in first. It took me a WHILE to
love again. Some of my church friends thought I was just sinning and that I
needed to repent. I wasn’t (well I was) but it wasn’t my relationship with God
that was the problem here. I was genuinely heartbroken and I needed repairing.
But I got there; I got there in the end. I became strong and I did it. I would
see them (love interest) in College, and I still would be upset but I didn’t
cry. They would leave me speechless but I became strong and the reason
I became strong is because of Keyshia Cole. I listened to “I Remember” and “Got
to Get My Heart Back” practically every night and every morning on my way to College. The
reason behind that is because I couldn’t put into words how hurt I was, but
these songs said everything I wanted to say in a 3 minute record. These songs
touched my soul on such a soothing level; I had a connection with Keyshia Cole
from then.
However, even after all the heartbreak and tears that
Keyshia Cole had dried with her records. I still wasn’t a dedicated fan as I am
today. However, the day that I really fell in love with Keyshia Cole was
another soul searching event.
So, I had a friend. This friend was a terrible friend!
But have you ever had a friend that you know is bad for you but don’t know how
to brush them off? Or too scared to let them go because you're scared you may not find a replacement? I was 17 verging 18 at the time, I probably wasn’t as strong
willed as I am now. Regardless, me and this friend used to travel to London all
the time and ONE TIME, we were in London and he said something that really
upset me and I was going through such an emotional time. I’m telling you, the
ages 16-18 were so bleak for me. I
don’t even think people around me knew how dark I was back then. Actually, I think they do, a couple of people used to realise that I used to dress in all black back then, but this friend knew how depressed and sad I was and constantly threw it in my face. I was going through an emotional time and was genuinely
searching for something, I was still broken about all the heartbreak I’ve
experienced in the past and this friend was not positive at all. I had another
love interest at this moment in time, who I fell head over heels for, but
luckily for them, I have no Keyshia Cole songs to dedicate to that situation, but my friend
wasn’t positive towards that relationship or my feelings towards that person at
all and that really discouraged me. So I’m in London, we were on a bus, and I
don’t remember where or what part of London we were in but I remember sitting
on a bus and having my MP3 player on and this song came on. A song that I
haven’t heard before. It was one of those moments where your MP3 player is on shuffle and you can't remember all the songs that you have put on the musical device. One song comes on and you're not familiar with it so your ears perk up and are open to hear everything the song has to offer.
Do you know what song it was? Keyshia Cole “Just Like
You”. I nearly cried on the bus! Has anyone noticed that I've been close to tears whilst I've been on my travels!? What is that all about!? Anyway, this song comforted me in a way that I cannot
describe! I was trying to find me! I just wanted to happy, I just wanted to be
me. Conquer my dreams and just do ME! And at the time this friend didn’t seem
to understand me and I kept them there because I felt that I wouldn’t find
another friend that will understand me at all so they were just there. However,
when I heard this Keyshia Cole “Just Like You” song I found a new friend in
Keyshia Cole and it was so comforting! The song opened up with these lyrics:
“I’m on the move, and I don’t wanna lose what I came to prove, its’ everything
I expect myself to be!”
It follows
“You can never understand how I feel when I’m searching
for the words to say. And I don’t wanna be nobody else. Take the time, to get
to know me, the real me! And you will see, I’m just like you.”
Brethren, I was so touched. I felt like Keyshia had been
through everything that I had been through and just to hear the phrase “I’m
just like you” at that dark time was so comforting. It gave me strength, hope and faith that I can overcome all this hurt I was bearing and be happy
overall. That day ladies and gentleman was the DAY I fell in Love with Keyshia
Cole.
I know many of you have asked, "why do you like Keyshia Cole? She
can’t sing!", "Support someone greater like; Beyonce, Mariah Carey, Janet Jackson"
I love all these artist’s all the same but within my darkest hour their music
didn’t comfort me as much as Keyshia Cole’s music did. However, I must admit that Mariah Carey's "Side Effects" were also a soundtrack to my first love interest story. I felt that I could relate to Keyshia. Even today, I still can
relate to Keyshia Cole’s music and what her music has done for me in the past and present will never leave me, because in my darkest moments in my
life, there was no friend I could call and speak to about the issues I was facing, all I had was my MP3 player and my Keyshia Cole albums to comfort me.
There we have it folks. It’s been emotional; I’ve teared
up whilst writing this. There is more depth to these stories but I’ve tried to keep it brief and I hope I’ve accomplished that.
I remember when I fell
in love with Keyshia Cole.
